Chapter One: The Grooming
I must put in here the disclaimer: I never intended to groom my daughter for the sexual abuse that did happen. I was the only parent to love the child unconditionally and that was all I wanted was hugs and kisses.
My daughter was born with a cleft lip and palate. This caused her mother to reject her daughter because she had wanted only perfect children. She also rejected me, her husband with the words, "I don't want to have any more of your children!" so when she went back on the Pill she still refused to make love to her husband for years at a time. So the daughter and father were bound together by the mother's rejection of both of them.
Even before my daughter was able to walk on her own her mother had changed her prefered sitting place from our sofa to my grandmother's rocker. At 260 pounds she filled that 1930's antique from sidearm to sidearm. No room for our daughter to climb up. I stayed on the sofa so she had plenty of room to climb up next to me. And she did and after she'd climb up on me she often end up on my lap. This did not stimulate any sexual response on my part, no erection or other distraction just a kid wanting attention.
So if the daughter was wet or had a dirty diaper and Daddy was home Mommy left it to Daddy to take care of. Feeding also fell into her father's responsibility since cleft children cannot nurse at their mother's breast. These things bonded the father and daughter into what would become a badly dysfunctional relationship as we will see.
My wife and I were not at peace with each other in this period. I was walking on egg shells as I had been for a long time trying not to trip her hair trigger. We often fought over her seizing control of the family finances, the lack of affection from her, and the total lack of sex. The kids could hear these fights because the mobile home's interior wall were only 2" thick. They often hid together in my daughter's bedroom closet while we battled with words. Any argument that she was losing, she'd accuse me of some infidelity and could not prove it did not happen but I had been faithful to her despite her total lack of consideration of what men marry for.
One thing I
suspect happened was during one of these fights my daughter may have asked
my son "What is sex?" and he replied, "It has do with what you have
between your legs."
Another thing that influenced my wife's idea that I may have been unfaithful to her was her addiction to soap operas. These afternoon dramas feature lots of infidelity and the number of times you see a husband and wife in bed together is tiny compared to how often you'll see them in bed with someone else. Of course being left home with her mother, my daughter also watched these. One day when she was two she climbed up on the sofa and gave me what she called a movie kiss. It was long and passionate. One day she did it and I told her she was missing one important part of the kiss. She asked me what was missing and I told her she had to use her tongue. She said "How?" I tell her she can stick in my mouth or I could put mine in hers. The next time she did a movie kiss she stuck her tongue in my mouth and this brought an erection into being. I put her off my lap and let it fade and I was much less accepting of "movie kisses" having realized they did add to my stimulation.
On Easter Sunday my family attended Sunday worship as was our custom each week. Since it was Easter my in-laws who lived over a hundred miles away had come for Easter. So five of us went together to church for Easter Sunday worship. Our pastor at our Methodist Church at this time was a very liberal man who refused to preach against sin or about damnation but stressed a Gospel of Cheap Grace.
When we returned home from church my son, my wife and my daughter all went to their bedrooms to get into more comfortable clothes. I stayed in the living room of our 14 by 70 three bedroom mobile home to entertain my in-laws. When my wife came out I went to our bedroom to get out of my grey business suit and into something a bit more comfortable. I had changed out of the suit and was dressed in shirt and slacks when there was a knock on the bedroom door. I called out, "Who is it?" The answer was,"It's me, Daddy" in the voice of my daughter.
Since I was decent, I said, "Come in" and she entered wearing jeans and a T-shirt. She closed the door behind her and came to where I was sitting on the bed and said, "Daddy, I have a burning itch down there." I wasn't sure where down there was so I asked her "where?" and she pointed at her crotch. I told her "Show it to me." and she obediently dropped her jeans and panties to show it to me. Looking at my baby's genitals I could see her labia were as red as her surgically corrected lip! Something had irritated that tenderest of skin.
Since my wife had forbidden me to engage in cunnilingus since the birth of our son eight years before my daughter was born we had been using Vaseline as a sexual lubricant and kept a jar of it in the bookcase headboard of the bed. I took out a golf ball sized glob of the stuff and spread it over my daughter's three and half year old labia. I had too much for such a small girl so I spread her labia out and smeared it over the inside of her slit as well. This accidentally sexually stimulated her, known to me only after I'd done it when I put a finger on the mouth of her vagina and found her hole to be wet!
After I'd rubbed it in and realized it had turned her on I had her pull up her panties and jeans and join her grandparents in the living room. After I put on my black oxfords and my socks I opened the master bedroom door to hear my daughter telling everyone in the front of the mobile home, "Daddy rubbed me down there and it felt good." I also heard my wife loudly calling our yet innocent child a whore and a slut.
It should be mentioned here that since the birth of our son, 11 years ago, my wife had constantly displayed considerable temper combined with distrust and extreme jealousy. I now believe she suffered from a Borderline Personality Disorder which had her falsely accusing me of multiple affairs with my son's baby sitters, waitresses in restaurants where we ate and , of course, the women where I worked. Despite all this I had remained faithful to her even though she left me no reason to be faithful.
Naturally this was yet another excuse for her to yell and scream at me as she accused me of the incestuous abuse of our own daughter. While I knew it had turned her on, I greatly underestimated the effect it would have on my daughter and I told my wife "It wasn't sexual, it was medical" Slowly but surely she understood I'd had no sexual intent so it could not be charged as sexual abuse and finally accepted my thoughts and calmed down. I thought it was over and done with, I could not have been more wrong.
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